What Every Fencing Parent Should Know About … Caring for Uniforms, Lamés, Gloves and Masks
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by Greg Husisian
Fencing Thought of the Day: “Mmm … fencing. The most elegant of the sports that don’t have tailgating.”
So as part of this series on Caring For All Things Fencing, I have been putting Google through its paces. And what did I discover, but a previously unpublished episode of the Simpsons, entirely centered around fencing! And it turns out it covers all the things that can go wrong at a tournament if you don’t take care of your fencing items correctly. So what better way to introduce this article and to serve both of my loyal readers – thanks, John and Susie! – than to reprint it here:
“The Fencing Trials of Homer J. Simpson”
SCENE 1: THE SIMPSONS’ LIVING ROOM – EARLY MORNING. Lisa (in crisp warm-up gear) is stretching. Bart is wearing his fencing mask upside down while mimicking the fencing in the Princess Bride. Homer enters, dragging a fencing bag tipped onto its side, leaving a trail of tip screws, pressure springs, and saltwater taffy.
HOMER: “Okay, kids! Your fencing tournament awaits! I’ve got the gear, the snacks, and the … wait, where’s Maggie?
(He turns. Maggie is using a body cord as a jump rope.)
HOMER: “So THAT’s where that body cord went!”
LISA: “Dad! The Springfield NAC starts in two hours! Did you pack everything like you promised?”
HOMER (confidently): “Of course I did!”
LISA (checking gear): “Dad, you packed one glove, a baseball mitt, a package of bacon, and a sock puppet.”
HOMER: “Mmm … bacon. In my defense, the puppet gives great pep talks.”
HOMER PUTS ON SOCK POCKET AND USES FAKE VOICE: “Go out there and stab people, kids!”
MARGE (coming downstairs): “Homer!”
HOMER (still holding sock puppet): “Umm, I mean … go out there and stab people NICELY, kids!”
LISA: “Also, where are my spare tips?”
HOMER: “I gave them to Maggie. She’s using them to build a robot duck.”
MAGGIE (nods proudly, holding out a very robotic contraption, which says “quack”)
BART: “Cool. Can I fence with it?”
LISA: “No! And Dad, where’s my lamé?”
HOMER: “It was so dirty it was actually grey! But washing it in hot water with the red towels fixed it up. And I threw in a little glitter from your art project to make you look sparkly!”
LISA (holding up her now pink, very shrunken, and very sparkly lamé): “This violates at least six sections of the Athlete’s Handbook. And every fashion rule known to mankind.”
HOMER: “But you can fence in it and then go straight to the disco! Like John Travolta did, in Saturday Night Fever! Or maybe it was Flash Dance, I can’t keep those fencing movies straight.”
LISA (sighing): “Let’s just go.”
SCENE 2: FAMILY CAR – MOMENTS LATER; FENCING BAGS LOADED
The family is rushing to the tournament. Homer is driving while trying to fix Lisa’s broken sword with a piece of chewing gum and duct tape.
BART: “Do I HAVE to fence? Can’t I do the event where you joust on horseback?”
LISA: “Bart, I already told you that NACs don’t allow jousting!”
BART: “Crazy Damien, what stupid rule will he pass next?”
HOMER: “Quiet, you two! Daddy’s trying to remember where he put the USFA membership card. Oh, here it is!”
LISA: “Dad, that’s a Krusty Burger punch card.”
HOMER: “Good news: one more punch and I get free fries!”
LISA: “And a 1 in 5 chance of a free heart attack.”
HOMER: “I like those odds!”
SCENE 3: THE FIRST-EVER SPRINGFIELD NAC
The venue is buzzing with fencers warming up, although with fewer than usual – partially because the Simpsons never has said which state Springfield is in, and partially because many fencers flew to Salt Lake City out of habit. Homer this time is dragging the fencing bag upside down, with six dogs following the smell of the bacon.
LISA: “Okay, strip assignment, check. Weapons check station, found. I just need my … wait, where’s my mask?!”
HOMER (proudly): “Relax! I brought you the best one in the house.” (He pulls out a Halloween Darth Vader helmet with a sticker on the side that says, “Han shot first.”)
LISA: “Dad!! That’s not right!”
HOMER: “Yes, it is! Han Solo is a loveable rogue who definitely shot first!”
BART (putting on Darth Vader mask): “I find your lack of blade control disturbing.”
REFEREE (approaching): “Is this your son? Y-10 Epee starts soon and he needs to get to his strip!”
HOMER (suspiciously): “Wait a minute … if you’re a ref, why aren’t you wearing stripes? And if you’re dressed just like me, can I award points, too?” (whispering to Bart: “I think I’ve figured out a loophole, you’re getting a medal today.”)
BART: “Cool.”
LISA: “Never mind, I’ll do weapons check by myself.”
SCENE 4: WEAPONS CHECK TABLE, MOMENTS LATER
Lisa is getting her equipment checked. The armorist frowns and sniffs the only body cord she has given him.
ARMORER: “This smells like … meat?”
LISA (sighing): “Dad stored the body cords in the fridge. With the bacon.”
HOMER (off-screen): “It was the CRISPER DRAWER, Lisa! That’s where the fancy stuff goes!”
ARMORER: “Yeah, well this foil’s grounded. In sadness. And bacon grease. You shorted out the testing box. I’m giving you a black card!”
LISA: “There’s nothing in the rules about an armorist black card!”
BART (passing by on the way to his strip): “Crazy Damien. What stupid rule will he come up with next?”
SCENE 5: BART ON EPEE FENCING STRIP WITH HOMER
HOMER (Opening up a Duff beer): “Mmm … fencing. The most elegant of the sports that don’t have tailgating.”
Bart steps up to his first pool bout against a hyper-serious Y-10 fencer with sticker on his bag that says “Future Junior National Team Member.” Everything he owns is FIE, including his snacks.
REFEREE: “Ready? Fence!”
BART (pointing to the side): “Wow, is that the famous TikTok fencer?” (Hits opponent when he looks.)
OPPONENT: “Hey, that’s cheating!”
REFEREE (shrugging): “That’s why they call it physical chess. Point to Bart.”
Bart quickly runs up four more points, including two points scored while tripping over his body cord while trying to fleche and one made while sneezing through his mask and hitting his opponent while he recoils.
HOMER: “5-0! This kid’s going to the Olympics! Or detention. Could go either way!”
SCENE 6: MARGE SAVES LISA AT THE ARMORIST
ENTER MARGE (looking around): “Oh my goodness, look at all these swords! It’s like Les Misérables with sneakers!”
LISA (dramatically): “Mom! Save me from this fencing-themed nightmare! Maggie ran away with my fencing jacket, the dogs took most of my bacon-flavored body cords, and Dad brought a Halloween mask and lost all my tip screws in his Duff Beer!”
MARGE (soothingly): “Don’t worry, honey. I brought backup gear, printed your bout schedule, packed healthy but tasty snacks, and cleaned your lamé with a toothbrush. Twice. And I recycled the glitter for your next art project.”
LISA: “Thanks, Mom!”
MARGE: “Well, I knew I needed to step in when your Dad sent me a text saying he was managing logistics, supervising safety, and had everything perfectly arranged.” (Cue shot of Maggie wearing Lisa’s sparkly, shrunken uniform and fencing with a plush Pikachu.)
LISA: “He tried to enter me in the Division I Saber event under the name Sparkle Dangerface!”
MARGE: “Well, all your worries are over! Mommy’s running this fencing show now.”
SCENE 7: ON THE FOIL STRIP, MOMENTS LATER
Lisa stands in clean, working gear. Her body cord connects. Her foil passes. Several nearby fencing parents have to retreat from the light bouncing off her freshly cleaned lamé.
LISA: “Thanks, Mom. You’re the best fencing parent ever.”
MARGE: “Oh, sweetie. I may not know what ‘right of way’ means, but I DO know the ‘right of way’ to clean your uniform, how to make your lamé less lame, and how to make sure your body cords don’t smell like bacon. Now, GO STAB THEM!”
HOMER: “Marge?!”
MARGE: “Sorry, I mean – GO STAB THEM NICELY!”
FINAL SCENE: CAR RIDE HOME
Lisa is in the front seat holding a NAC medal, which says “Gold – Salt Lake City NAC,” with “Salt Lake City” crossed out so someone could write in “Springfield” with a Sharpie. Bart holds a newly created award called “Most Likely To Get a Black Card.” Homer is asleep in the back seat with a fencing glove over his face.
LISA: “Thanks again, Mom.”
MARGE: “Lisa, your first NAC medal! I’m so proud of you! And you Bart, you could have gotten one as well, if you hadn’t let that fencer score on you over and over just so you could yell ‘it’s only a fleche wound!’”
BART (mouth full of a NAC churro): “I regret NOTHING.”
HOMER (half-asleep): “Wake me when it’s jousting season.”
LISA: “How many times do I have to tell you guys, the rules don’t allow jousting at NACs.”
HOMER: “Crazy Damien. What stupid rule will he come up with next?”
So, that about sums it up – you need to wash uniforms the right way, and definitely should not store your body cords in the refrigerator with the bacon. But if you feel like you need a bit more guidance – or if you turned your child’s lamé pink by washing it with the red towels – then here’s a good video on and washing your uniform. (Although one recommendation is to wash the fencing uniforms with blue jeans to have an accompanying thick item in the wash, I strongly urge a white towel instead, as blue jeans can bleed color.) Another resource is this article from Olympia Fencing Center on . Also helpful is this Ask an Armourer , as is this Ask an Armourer video on . Pro tip: if you are looking for a dead spot on an epee uniform, then you probably need to watch the video again.
Gloves and masks can raise special issues. While I generally just throw in the glove into the washing machine on delicate at the same time that I am washing the uniform (hanging both up to dry and not using the dryer), it is a good idea to check at each wash for potential glove and mask failure issues. I found these two helpful I Can Haz Armory videos on and . As a further helpful hint, in an emergency I also have used a spot of super glue as a useful quick fix for a glove with a small hole. But if you follow this route, be careful to use the minimum needed to fix the glove, so that you don’t have a clump of annoying glue permanently stuck to the glove.
When it comes to masks, it is useful to understand what armorists are looking for at weapons check, so that you can do a quick review of the mask before packing it up for a tournament. This video by Gryphon Fencing on provides a good overview, as well as a reminder that it never is a bad idea to visually inspect a mask for any rust or weak spots.
There are a couple of mask repairs that are easy for fencing parents to make, because they do not present a safety issue:
- A missing rivet is easy to repair; rivet kits are available on Amazon, or you can ask to have it replaced at your fencing club armory. If presented to weapons check, it will likely lead to a mask failure (but not the dreaded sharpie “FAIL” marking on the bib).
- It is common for the black rubber around the edge of the mask to come loose; this is easily fixed with a narrow line of super glue.
- Rust on the masks can be treated with a rust remover before the wash (this comes up most often for the rivets).
When it comes to washing the mask, during the tournament season I mostly rely on Lysol (which I have learned after a few complaints from Hadley needs a few days to wear off, since for some reason she doesn’t like fencing with the fake Lysol lilac smell invading her senses). But at the end of the season, I put it on the top shelf of the dishwasher (without drying heat at the end), allowing it a few days to air dry. Some fencers swear by a good soak in OxyClean, followed by a scrub using something gentle. If you follow this method, be careful not to wash the Velcro, which can impact the strength of the Velcro connection. A good video on how to is online if you would like some additional guidance.
Fun Fact(s) of Interest Only To Me. Lisa Simpson actually is shown fencing in the “MoneyBart” episode, where she is practicing fencing to set up an eventual application to Harvard. Maggie, however, defeats Lisa, despite being a baby and fencing with a kitchen strainer as a mask; after doing so, she uses her fake sword to carve a Zorro-style “M” on Lisa’s chest. Homer is also seen fencing Apu in “Exit Through the Kwik-E Mart” using tiny toothpick swords taken from a display of hors d’oeuvres, with Homer only avoiding defeat by blocking a winning strike from Apu using a piece of cheese from the platter.
The Simpsons also have at least two Olympics-themed episodes, including “The Old Man and the ‘C’ Student,” which begins with Springfield hosting the Olympic Committee in a bid to pitch Springfield as the next Olympics site, and “Boy Meets Curl,” in which Homer and Marge Simpson are part of a mixed-sex curling team, with Marge excelling because she has spent years sweeping floors. While at the games, Lisa gets addicted to Olympic pin trading, even eventually trading away her iconic pearl necklace for a 1924 Winter Olympics pin. Ironically, even the pin-addicted Lisa is shown with far fewer pins than I personally collected for the Paris Games.
Learn More and Get in Touch
Have a question or comment? Thinking about sending me an email telling me that even Homer Simpson drunk on tip-screw-filled Duff beers would be a better choice to write these fencing articles? Reach out for help, on Simpsons trivia or fencing-related questions, at .
Looking for more fencing articles? Check out the before USA Fencing replaces them with bootleg copies of Simpsons episodes that will get more views, even if half of them have Chinese character subtitles because they were downloaded from a dubious server located in Macau. For questions about your membership or tournament registrations – or to demand that USA Fencing create a “Most Likely To Get a Black Card Award,” just so they can give it to me as punishment for writing these articles – visit the .