The Grinch Who Stole the NAC

So … it’s Christmastime. Which can only mean it’s time for the holiday tradition that everyone has been waiting for all year! No, I’m not referring to your uncle drinking too much eggnog and falling asleep on the sofa and blocking everyone from watching sappy Hallmark Christmas specials, or even the annual debate about which person should get the re-re-re-gifted fruitcake. I’m talking about something MUCH bigger than that, which is the annual What Every Fencing Parent Should Know holiday compliance parody article! Okay, so admittedly there has been only one other, which makes this the world’s shortest trend. But who knows? If USA Fencing doesn’t wake up and rededicate its servers to a better use, like videos of puppies dressed up like North Pole elves and kittens stealing the Santa cookies, then we may even make it to next year and have a genuine three-peat!

So, a few fun facts about the world’s most famous holiday grump:

• The Grinch originally was not green; in the book he is black and white with pink eyes. The animator of the holiday special, Chuck Jones, made him green to symbolize his envy and to make him pop visually.
• Dr. Seuss had a “GRINCH” vanity plate on his car, which his widow kept going after his death.
• The famous “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” was sung by Thurl Ravenscroft, who also was the voice of Tony the Tiger for five decades, including repeated invocations of the catchphrase “They’re g-r-r-r-r-eat!!!” His voice is also heard during the Disney Pirates of the Caribbean ride and as “Uncle Theodore,” the lead vocalist of the singing busts in the Disney Haunted Mansion that appear near the end of the ride.
• The Grinch book was originally published in 1957, while the first modern NAC was in the 1979-1980 season. Which makes it especially puzzling that I was able to unearth this earlier version of the Grinch story, which is called …

The Grinch Who Stole the NAC 

Every fencing parent down in NAC-ville liked tournaments a lot,
But the Grinch, who lived just outside the venue … did not!

The Grinch hated NACs. The whole NAC season!
Now please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his fencing socks were two sizes too tight.

It could be his Grouphousing reservations never went right.

But I think that the most likely reason of all,

Was that his fencing budget was three sizes too small.

Or maybe—quite likely—the reason was this:
The Grinch always fenced … and missed podium bliss.
He checked in every morning. Endured wait-for-ref delays.
Groaned through “three fencers didn’t show up” pool days.

No matter what he did, top sixteen bouts were his personal wall.

Try as he might, he couldn’t make the top eight at all.

So every December, when NAC emails appeared,
The Grinch’s green face twisted. His good cheer disappeared.
“They’re happy,” he’d snarl, watching parents pack bags,
“With masks, cords, and whites that smell like mildewed dishrags!”

“They sing about pools! They cheer DEs with glee!
But I know the truth of what NACs can be.”

Then the Grinch got an idea. A terrible idea.
The Grinch got a terrible, black-card-worthy idea!

“I’ll steal it,” he said. “I’ll steal the whole NAC!
No bouts, no strips, no fencing-day snacks!”

So late in the night, while the venue lay quiet,
The Grinch crept in, while fencers slept at the Hyatt.

First, he stole the body and reel cords—every last one!
“Without these,” he chuckled, “their fencing is done!”

Then he took all the test boxes, scoreboards, and reels—
And stole all the tip screws with devious zeal.

He mixed up the pool sheets, the seedings, the times,
And relabeled the strips with confusing new signs.

He changed all the red cards with Pokémon cards,

So fouls were now punished by Charizards.

Then he oiled the fencing strips, made them silver slip and slides,

So fencers would skid like en garde penguins in disguise.

And he hacked into the site of Fencing Time Live, 

So it showed all the bouts somehow ended in ties.

Then he went back to his lair, up the escalator stairs,
Sure he’d ended the NAC—and the joy that was there.

“Well,” he smiled, “now they’ll cry on Christmas NAC morn!”

Convinced he’d pulled off his mission, a NAC-killing Jason Bourne.

But instead … something odd happened right at dawn.

The fencers grumbled a little … then carried right on.

Parents showed up. With coffee. With snacks.

They borrowed spare cords. They shared what was missing, and all that they lacked.

And the bouts finally started, even if a bit late, 
The fencers were patient. They learned how to wait.

And the Grinch, how his jaw dropped, as he watched from afar,
Through glitches and holdups and hiccups bizarre.

“It came without cords,” he muttered. “It came without gear.
It came without schedules that made any sense here.

The NAC is a mess, it could not be any worse,

It should be enough, to drive every fencer to curse.”

But he HADN’T stopped the NAC coming! SOMEHOW IT CAME!

Somehow or other, FENCERS FENCED JUST THE SAME!

And the Grinch, with his grinch-feet ice-cold in the NAC snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?

The fencers are all fencing, with no Fencing Time Live!

The fencer parents, why they’re helping each other survive!”

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!

“Maybe fencing,” he thought, “is about more than the podium.”

“Maybe NACs and me, can live a life that’s harmonious!” 

And what happened then? Well … in NAC-ville they say,
The Grinch’s cold fencing heart grew three sizes that day!

He realized that NACs weren’t strips, times, or fees,

Not hotel breakfasts all alike or complaining about referees.

It wasn’t the medals, the ratings, the seeds—

It was parents and kids … and shared fencing needs.

So the Grinch joined the crowd. He stood by the strip.

He clapped at good actions. He learned sportsmanship.

He lent out a body cord. He shared coffee, too.

He smiled when a fencer just fenced what they knew.

And the Grinch—who once thought every NAC was a test—

Found something much better than finishing best.

And that day, like every parent in NAC-ville he could see:

The NAC isn’t perfect, but somehow … it’s exactly what it needs to be.

Have a question or comment? Just want to tell me that the only item on your Christmas list is a wish that a worldwide internet crash will strike just as I’m about to post my next fencing blog article? Reach out to me at usfafencingblog@gmail.com.

If you are looking for the library of What Every Fencing Parent Should Know articles, they are hanging up Christmas wreaths on the USFA Parents’ Fencing Blog Website. For membership or tournament questions, or to request that USA Fencing send the Grinch to steal my computer before I write any more fencing blog posts, visit the USA Fencing Contact Us page.